Following on the wildly-successful knock-knock joke post of a few weeks ago, it's time for you to share your favorite lightbulb jokes. Unlike last time, you don't need to restrict yourself to stuff that's appropriate for my daughter, since the vast majority of the lightbulb genre isn't suitable for a kindergartener, but let's try to keep this vaguely within the boundaries of good taste, if such a thing is possible.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Two: One to hold the giraffe, the other to fill the bathtub with brightly-colored bicycles.
Following on the wildly-successful knock-knock joke post of a few weeks ago, it's time for you to share your favorite lightbulb jokes. Unlike last time, you don't need to restrict yourself to stuff that's appropriate for my daughter, since the vast majority of the lightbulb genre isn't suitable for a kindergartener, but let's try to keep this vaguely within the boundaries of good taste, if such a thing is possible.
Q: How many Hollywood producers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteA: They don't screw in lightbulbs. They screw in hot tubs.
Tasteful, no?
I thought it was:
ReplyDeleteQ: How many Hollywood producers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulbs?
singular, not plural
ReplyDeleteQ: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb
ReplyDeleteA: Wanna go ride bikes?
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteA: Oh, don't mind me. I'll just sit here in the dark.
How many members of U2 does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteOne. Bono places it in the socket, and the world revolves around him to screw it in.
Q: How many union members does it take to change a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteA: Five. You got a problem with that?
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Let's assume arguendo that the lightbulb has been changed.
How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteFish.
Q: How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteA: But why do we have to change it?
Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I can't tell whether you mean "change a lightbulb" or "have sex in a lightbulb." Can we reword it to remove ambiguity?
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many feminists does it take to--
ReplyDeleteA: That's not funny!
Q: How many University of Chicago economists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteA: None. If the lightbulb is meant to be screwed in, the market will take care of it.
Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteA: You can UNscrew a lightbulb.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ReplyDeleteA: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it
a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to hold the ladder and one to change the penis. I mean, er, the lightbulb.
I always heard a more generic version of the Bono joke:
ReplyDeleteQ. How many lead singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - she holds it up and the world revolves around her.
Or the ethnic version:
Q. How many [insert favorite ethnic type here] does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 21. One to hold up the bulb and 20 to turn the ladder.
Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteA: None, they just wait for it to burn out and then follow it around for 30 years.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ReplyDeleteA: None. It turns itself in.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
Merrily stolen for your enjoyment from: http://www.eyrie.org/~thad/strange/lightbulbs.html
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ReplyDeleteA: Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
From a couple of years ago:
ReplyDeleteQ: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate illumination?
I like that one, but it's not wordy enough.
ReplyDeleteHow many feminist lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteA: Two. One to do it, the other to make a short film about it.
How many software programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteNone. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteA: A tree in a golden forest.
Q: How many Protestants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteA: None, they live in eternal darkness.
Don't hurt me, I'm an atheist.
Q: How many University of Colorado students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteA: None. Why screw in a lightbulb when you can light a couch on fire?
Feel free to insert the name of your own local party university (although it works best if the school has a history of sports-related rioting). :-)
Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ReplyDeleteA: I don't know. What's their motivation?
Q: How many consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two to four, or zero, depending. If the fee is high enough, they'll do it, otherwise they'll suggest several potential strategies aimed at a proactive solution to the situation.
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
ReplyDeleteA: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 20 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@ HOUSE!
I'm sorry ... what did you ask me?
Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ReplyDeleteA: Four...One to rob the convenience store to get the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.
Q. How Many sexists pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None...let the bitch cook my dinner in the dark.
Waaah--Jim Treacher stole my feminists lightbulb joke!
ReplyDeleteQ. How many Vietnam-era generals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. None. They can see by the light at the end of the tunnel.
And, a golden oldie from the pre-AIDS '80s:
Q. How many straight New York waiters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Both of them.
An explanation: Acting colleges frequently divide students up into studios based on technique and way of approaching acting -- Strasberg, Meisner, Stella Adler, etc. A number of these colleges have their own individualized lightbulb jokes based on each school. My favorite is the one about the Atlantis school of acting, which is David Mamet's school:
ReplyDeleteQ: How many Atlantic students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Fuck the lightbulb!
(Okay, not as funny as the explanation makes it out to be.)
Oh, and:
ReplyDeleteQ: How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: You don't know, man! You weren't there! You weren't there!
Q: How many contractors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteA: Don't worry, I'll get to it next week. Week after that, for sure.
Q: How many rabbis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Well, that's a very interesting question with many possible answers. Let's start by reading Rav Ashi in the Babylonian Talmud....
Q: How many environmental activists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Don't you dare!
Q: How many interrupting cows does it take to --
A: Moooo!
Q: How many bores does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One.
Q: How many Atlantic students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteA: Fuck the lightbulb!
See, the version we do around here is this:
Q: How many Atlantic students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Bernie: Fuck the lightbulb.
Danny: The lightbulb?
B: Fuck it.
D: You gotta be kidding me.
B: I'm saying--
D: You gotta be fucking kidding me.
B: --fuck the lightbulb.
D: Jesus.
B: --had nothing to do with it. You got a lightbulb, you got a socket, you fuckin' spin that bulb till it lights up. Burns your hand, you're not careful.
D: Jesus.
B: Fuckin' A.
But our artistic director worked with their artistic director at Actors Theatre of Louisville way back when.
How many Chicagoans does it take to change a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteSix. One to change the bulb and five to sit around and talk about the '85 Bears.
How many University of Chicago students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Shhh. We're studying in the dark.
(I admit that burning the couch is a lot cooler.)
Q: How many Heroes characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteA: Depends on how horny the slash writer is.
@jim treacher...
ReplyDeleteActually, the way I heard that one (from my Harvard-educated roommate) was:
Q: How many Harvard women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's Radcliffe, not Harvard, and that's not funny
@Julie...
ReplyDeleteReminds me of one that's almost, but not quite, a lightbulb changing joke, and not really appropriate for children, but...
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
ReplyDeleteA: How many can you afford?
Q: How many [insert elite college] students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and the other to mix the martinis.
Q: How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb doesn't need to be changed; it just needs to accept Jesus as its Lord and Savior and it will be enlightened.
Q: How many plumbers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a different union.
My favorite knock-knock joke is of a time -- the time after the BBC cancelled "Doctor Who," but before they brought it back.
ReplyDeleteQ: How many Doctor Who fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just sit there waiting for it to come back on.
My personal favorite is Kendra's pms joke. To add to the ranks of the religious lightbulb jokes:
ReplyDeleteQ: How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They refuse to acknowledge its existence.
Q: How many environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
ReplyDeleteA: Four. One to change the bulb and three to protest the nuclear plant that generates the power to light it.
Q: How many literalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, silly. You don't change a light bulb; you change a dark bulb.
Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
How many girls from Long Island does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ReplyDeleteTwo. One to open the Diet Coke and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many theater matinee patrons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteA: Two. One to do it, and one to say "Rose! He's screwing in a lightbulb!"
I'm an Ohio State fan so I can get away with this one:
ReplyDeleteQ: How many Ohio State fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 3. 1 to screw it in and 2 to set fire to the couch that they were sitting on before the bulb went out.
Oh No! I've been on vacation with no internet access and I missed this thread! So I'll add a few belatedly. First I need to add:
ReplyDeleteHow many Surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fish.
If you don't get the joke I guess it just wasn't your cup of fur.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.... There never *was* any light bulb, don't you remember?
Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten. One to change the lightbulb and nine to eat the donuts.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against
spirit of darkness.
A2: Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
A3: Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
A4: Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three
committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
A5: Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or
completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
A6: Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
A7: Amish: What's a light bulb?
Q: How many historians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I dunno - not my period.
Q: How many revisionist historians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: In actual fact, against popular consensus, the lightbulb was never actually changed.
Q: How many cultural historians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I am less interested in the lightbulb than the discourses
surrounding the changing.
Q: How many art historians does it take to change a lightbulb.
A: 11. One to change the lightbulb, and 5 to show earlier versions that influenced it, and 5 to say that the changing was actually done by the changers apprentice.
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
And from my college:
Q: How many Pitzer College students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But you get a full course credit for it.
Sorry for the long post.
Alan... not sure if you're familiar with it or not, but the highly addictive kids show Yo Gabba Gabba has added a "knock knock joke of the day" segment, which really seems to be more 'of the week'.
ReplyDeleteToday's segment featured 30 Rock's Jack McBrayer and fellow page Donny Lawson (Human Giant's Paul Scheer) dressed as a cow. They naturally did the interrupting cow joke.