Wednesday, December 09, 2009

"Why are you letting Sam Kinison and an Indian lesbian ruin your wedding?"

So Mo Ryan made an off-hand suggestion on Twitter that we spend less time thinking about "Conveyer Belt of Love" (a real show, as Fienberg explains) and more time thinking of the best TV lines of the year.

Thus, a Twitter meme was started, but I figured why let the tweeps have all the fun? So fire away with any and every funny or deep or memorable line from the last year.

It's a free-for-all, so no spoiler protection, folks. If it aired in '09, it's fair game. Read at your own peril.

175 comments:

Hatfield said...

"Are we having FUN yet?" "Ohh, what happened?"

floretbroccoli said...

Close the door; sit down.

Dave Lifton said...

"A grown man crying over a chicken and a baby? I thought this was a comedy show." - Milton Green

Anonymous said...

"I accept that." - Chucky from SoA

Devin McCullen said...

Already tweeted, but good enough to use again:

"We're not going to Guam, are we?" - Lapidus, Lost.

Stephen said...

"Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt of the Earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field. Your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopeses, but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace." -Ron Swanson

Baylink said...

Chuck *me*!

(This may tie for shortest; it's really hard to make a memorable 1 word line...)

Bruno said...

Don't know who to attribute it to or if it even counts, but: "Seven Thirty-Seven Down Over ABQ"

Pop Culture Savant said...

"I’m Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women’s panties."

Brian said...

Come on, hands people! It's 90% of Spanish - Senor Chang

I'm sorry, do you mind if we have this conversation in a room less with balls? - John Oliver, "Community"

Melanie said...

"Sturgeon? I don't think so, pal." ~Marshall, HIMYM

Anonymous said...

You Know when I hired Kevin, he was actually applying for a job in the warehouse" Michael the office

Joseph said...

Leslie: How could there possibly still be glitter on me? Tom: It takes forever to get off. My crotch looks like a disco ball.

Hatfield said...

"My crotch looks like a disco ball" - Tom Haverford

Anonymous said...

"I look up to Bret Favre Doesn't mean I believe Him all Those teary eyed press conferences" Shawn On Psych

Hatfield said...

Oops, Joseph beat me to it.

How about this, from the same episode: "All these women are running a low-grade fever" - Ron Swanson

Brian said...

WHEATON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Big Bang

Kirsten said...

"Why are you crying?"
"Because I'm stupid!"
"Well, that's no reason to cry."

A classic Sheldon-Penny exchange.

Brian said...

You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic. - Sheldon, Big Bang

Beta Frats said...

"No one thinks you're happy, they think you're foolish" - Don Draper to Roger Sterling

Hatfield said...

"She wasn't supposed to be in the truck, Ope" - Tig

dez said...

Ted: "I hate Barney Stinson!"
Random Woman: "Me, too!"

"As useless as a stack of Mymans."

"Danny Duberstein is good at two things: that's math and f*ckin!"

Garrett said...

"Joan. What a good idea." - Don Draper

"Roll 212!" - Jon Stewart

"Can you be awesome?" - Chuck Bartowski

Anonymous said...

Lawyer: Can you describe your job?
Veronica: Yes.
Lawyer: *pause* How would you describe your job?
Veronica: Cleverly.

J. Monjo said...

"If you've just joined us, we're with Tracy Jordan, who is giving guitar icon Peter Frampton enigmatic clues about a secret treasure. Stay with us." ~ Larry King, 30 Rock

Sam Sevr said...

let me throw out a couple from Modern Family:

Mitchell: You thought ghetto fabulous would be medically relevant?


Claire: I finally figured out what we're making.
Phil: Kids bored?

Pamela Jaye said...

"For the sake of my children, I am going to continue taking the high road" -- Kate Gosselin on The View.

Anonymous said...

I think Pamela Jaye wins

belinda said...

"Instead of using guns or clubs, I assault you with emotions."

Joemo said...

"You know, I met him once. He's a bit of an eccentric isn't he?"

Burt Cooper referring to Connie Hilton

Dan said...

"Hey, it's Tiger. I need you to do me a favor and take your name off your voicemail. My wife may be calling you." - The artist formerly known as Tiger Woods.

Joe C. said...

"Do you respect wood?"

Pamela Jaye said...

“I put my kids out there to every pedophile on the planet and they never got paid for it? It’s disgusting.” -- Jon Gosselin (unfortunate phrasing, as heard on Access Hollywood)

Dan said...

"P.S. Your c**t is in the sink" - Funkhauser

Mel T said...

"LOL - Laugh Out Loud, OMG - Oh My God, WTF - Why the Face?"

Phil - Modern Family

Nick said...

"Very good. Happy Christmas." - Lane Pryce, Mad Men

Sophietje said...

"Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love." Leslie Knope

Julia said...

"I'm Peggy Olsen and I want to smoke some marijuana."

Gridlock said...

"give me a break, I've got to climb a rope today"

Manny

belinda said...

"I found out yesterday that Head of Accounts is going to Kenny and his haircut."

belinda said...

"...you can paint the local castles and shit, and I can be a bush pilot."

Matt said...

Jack Shephard: How can you read?
Ben Linus: My mother taught me.

or

Jack: And the other people on this plane, what's going to happen to them?
Ben: Who cares?

Or anything with Ben Linus displaying a lack of interest in other's well-being. Awesome character.

alynch said...

"I'll tell you what buddy, I can help you out. I'm gonna toss a frame-bang your way. Here's how that works: I slip into your house one night while your wife is sleeping.. and I ease into her real nice. That way you're both cheating on each other and she can't clean you out. "

--Dennis Reynolds

Pamela Jaye said...

You can't pray away the gay! - Callie Torres, Grey's Anatomy

rosengje said...

Having said that...

Mike said...

I eat stickers all the time!

Anonymous said...

Imma let you finish...

Pamela Jaye said...

Darn, wrong year!

I did! I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic Twitter, I even changed my Facebook status to "Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone"! I don't know what else to do! - Sheldon

theacester said...

"will you be my ass-man?"
Emmit Milbarge

jeffrey said...

Representing the delegation from 30 Rock:

"Drama is like gay-man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes." - Jenna in 'Sun Tea'

"Science was my most favorite subject, especially the Old Testament." - Kenneth in 'Kidney Now!'

Keeping said...

"I was born ready. I'm Ron F***in' Swanson."

mac35 said...

I thought the last line of the exchange Kirsten mentioned from BBT was the best and was certainly one of the funniest this year:

"That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and it makes me sad."

Pamela Jaye said...

Leonard: Now, we all know the plan?
Howard: Yes. Koothrapalli's going to wet himself, I'm going to throw up, Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?

JoeE said...

Works better with the picture, but still funny out of context (Ron Swanson):

"I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. But this stock photo I bought at a framing store isn't real. Today I got the real thing. A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. I should have taken a picture of it."

And of course "What the ka-bleep were you thinking?"

Pamela Jaye said...

and the one I really wanted, which ironically won't fit on Twitter

Sheldon: "It must be an emergency; everyone at the university knows that I eat my breakfast at 8 and move my bowels at 8:20."
Leonard: "Yes, how did we live before Twitter?"

Dan said...

Larry David waking up to a singing 15 year old:

"Shut the f*ck up! (rolls around uncomfortably) SHUT THE F*CK UP!!!!"

George said...

"I'm watching my wife clean the dishes"- Zeltzer
"Dear God. Who are those two naked people."-Turk
"Mr and Mrs Dish"- Zeltzer

Then Turk does some awesome put down, I paraphrased that whole thing but funniest lines of Scrubs 8, hands down.

"You get a hot dog, stuff it with some jack cheese, roll it in a piiiizzaaaa. You got cheesy blasters! Then all the kids say thanks Meatcat and then Meatcat flies away on his...um...skateboard."- Liz Lemon

"I know kung-fu..."- Chuck

CoolSid said...

Let me say one from the shield
Vic Mackey trying to get information from a suspect, tells him to take out a pen and a piece of paper and write L-I-F-E S-U-X

MACKEY: "Looks like you're going to a die a bad speller"

Heather said...

"I'm Cuddly BITCH!"- Marshall, HIMYM

"Classic me?"- Phil, Modern Family

"Fiona's not my past"- Michael, Burn Notice

I also think the entire argument between Miles and Hurley over time travel is amazing.

Tom Servo said...

"We want to weaponize a pumpkin."

chalmers said...

"NO, I DON'T WATCH WIZARDS OF WAVERLY PLACE!!!!! I'M AN ADULT!!!!!"

This one took on a whole new meaning: "When Tiger Woods feels invincible he wears a red shirt and black pants. Ron wears the same thing after he's had sex."

Hatfield said...

From Community:

Troy: "That wrinkles my brain."

Abed's Movie Troy: "That wrinkles my brain."

Troy: "THAT wrinkles my brain!"

jerryvet said...

"Keep f---ing that chicken" Newsman in NYC (though Jon Stewart's was very funny, too)
Love the Ron Swanson quotes

jeff said...

It's mainly because Chris Pratt is so hilarious, but

"What the f*ck?!* - Andy after the shoeshine incident

Jordan said...

"On a scale of 1 to Chris Brown, How pissed is he?" - Tom Haverford on Parks & Recreation

finisimapersona said...

"Guys! Guys! Too many dicks!" - Dave, Flight Of The Conchords

Anonymous said...

I don't know if they work apart from the delivery, but for the entire year, what had me laugh the most was the exchange which started, "Forgive me. Is that Michael Jackson?"

Anonymous said...

There's no link between diabetes and diet. That's a white myth, Ken. Like Larry Bird or Colorado."- Tracy Jordan

Anonymous said...

Are we having fun yet?

Mike said...

"There's no such thing as bisexual. That's just something they invented in the nineties to sell hair products. Deal breaker" Liz Lemon

Sheldon: "What are the odds that two people as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively work-a-day as your son?"

Leonard's Mother: "Is that a rhetorical point or would you like to do the math?"

Sheldon: "I'd like to do the math."

Leonard's Mother: "I'd like that too."

Tyroc said...

From Mad Men ("Guy Walks Into an Advertising Agency")

Paul Kinsey: "He might lose his foot."

Roger Sterling: "Right when he got it in the door."

Written by Robin Veith & Matthew Weiner

(Let's give some props to the writers of these amazing lines!)

Anonymous said...

Chief: Their technology - our technology is way ahead of ours. Yours.
Tigh: Maybe you'd like a chart to keep it all straight.

Anonymous said...

From Modern Family:

"I would have killed with this crowd. But you had to go and clip my wings. When you should have been the wind beneath them!"

"We have to leave now."
"Why?"
"Because I just stole another child's intellectual property."

"Meryl Streep is always the right choice. She's perfection. Whether she's wearing Prada or divorcing Kramer. And don't even get me started on Sophie's Choice."

From 30 Rock:
"Good God, Lemon, your breathe. When did you find time to eat a diaper you found on the beach?"

"The television audience doesn't want your elitist, east coast, alternative, intellectual, left wing..."
"Jack, just say Jewish. This is taking forever."

Andrew said...

"I'm one of the drunk ones." Cyndi Lauper, "30 Rock - Kidney Now"

alynch said...

"Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus!"

--Charlie Kelly

Jenn said...

Both from 30 Rock, "Apollo, Apollo":

"I don't have friends at NASA. Bunch of nerds." -Jack Donaghy

"That's not even enough numbers!" -Frank

Anders said...

"Part of the problem is she [the woman Michael is dating] is the mother of a close friend of mine" - Michael
"Oh" - Pam
"More than a friend, a co-worker" - MS
"Oh gossip, Who is it! Who is it... Who is it Michael... who?" PB
"It's ok." - MS
"Nononono...no. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! NOOOOOOOOOOOO" - PB

jcpbmg said...

"What if I say no? You'll never speak to me again." — Peggy Olson

"No. I will spend the rest of my life trying to hire you." — Don Draper

arguably the greatest exchange of the season... and i'm quite surprised no one has said this yet

Zachary said...

'Whatever happened, happened.' - Daniel Faraday, LOST

Shana said...

"A 12-year-old Ben Linus just brought me a chicken salad sandwich. How do you think I'm doing?"

Chaz said...

alynch, I like the response even better:
Lawyer: "and you, promise not to break into my home and rape my wife while she's sleeping."
Dennis: "Bro, Rape? I wasn't talking about raping your wife, I was talking about making love to her sweetly while she sleeps. And I was gonna do it for you you son of a bi-alright fine I won't do it. "

Also: "So that's it, I'm in. I'm the gang. I'm the tough Brets."

Phantom said...

Obviously:

"Don't bullshit a bullshiter" - Walter White

George said...

I forgot...

"What are you a gay fish?"

And the subsequent song by the new gay fish Kanye West was the best South Park has been in a very poor season.

Anonymous said...

"Bret, you put a woman in front of weaving machine and just watch her go."

BF said...

"Don't Go! Don't Go! I wouldn't do it..." -- Big Easy (TAR)

Dionne said...

"I would be kind to my rabbit subjects... at first." - Raj Koothrapali.

"I reckon I've already been to heaven. It was inside your wife." - Jason Stackhouse

"Glee Club. Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating mouth-breathers it only comes back stronger like some sexually ambiguous horror movie villain. Here I am, about to turn 30, and I've sacrificed *everything* only to be shanghaied by the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy, misshapen teens." - Sue Sylvester

Between the Panels said...

I posted this one Twitter already, but I love it so much, I'll post here:

"Wow. You did it. You managed to make Figure Skating sound EVEN gayer." - Modern Family

Anonymous said...

"I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help but picture little birds laying sulfurous eggs in there and it disgusts me." -Sue Sylvestor, Glee

LaLaLie said...

boom, roasted.

Anonymous said...

The entire Cartman Poker Face song, I never tire of it


"... I love it"

Kate said...

"Seriously, Dad, you've almost ruined gay for me." - Mitchell to Jay on Modern Family

Kaitlyn said...

"Torple. What? I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a niece. My niece's name is Stephanie?"

Liz said...

"Never underestimate the tactical importance of TV in urban warfare." - Burn Notice

Anonymous said...

"I'm stressed out about the bake sale." Puck from Glee

Megan said...

my favorite exchange of the year was when Jim and Michael are discussing Michael dating Pam's mom and Toby interrupts them:
Toby: Hey Jim!
Jim: Not now Toby! My God!
Michael: Get the hell out of here, idiot.
Toby: What did I do?

Bia said...

Harry Crane: Are you kidding me?
Roger Sterling: Yes, yes we are. Happy Bithday!

Barney Stinson: It was Legend -- wait for it -- 's of the fall! Legends of the Fall! *pause* It was ok.

Robin Sherbatski: Peace was achieved -- *High Fives Ted* -- repeatedly!

Bia said...

Argh! *BiRthday*

Roger Sterling never makes any mistakes...

Anonymous said...

"Know that if you hit me it only teaches me to hit." Morgan Grimes

Pamela Jaye said...

It's not funny, it's not a line, but it was probably the thing that got to me the most this year
From Grey's Anatomy, of course (by my favorite, Krista Vernoff):

Meredith: Oh great, is this another heart to heart?
Richard: I know you don't like me, and you have every right not to like me, I have abused my power but now I'm here on your turf. What I need to say, what I need to say is, I saw what your mother was doing, I saw how neglected you were, I saw her drive your father off and I spent a lot of time beating myself up about that, but what does that do for you, nothing, nothing. I wasn't your advocate, I didn't fight for you, I never stood up for you. I let myself off the hook, I told myself I was young and I didn't know any better, but I did know better, I wasn't much younger than you are now. I should've fought for you Meredith, like you fought for that child today, I told myself that I wasn't your father, that it wasn't my responsibility, that I was right not to but in, I let myself off the hook. You were helpless, you were a baby. A beautiful, smart, funny, little girl, and no one stood up for you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Good Dog said...

“Look at this... a takeaway and a fight! All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter and I’ll have the great British night out.”

and

“When I need your advice I’ll give you the special signal, which is me being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act.”

from The Thick of It. Genius!

M.A.Peel said...

"Don't be a stranger, we have tea." RS

Baylink said...

Krista Vernoff is the Manny Coto of the second half of the Naughties.

Anonymous said...

Ok, so I probably never should have taken this course to begin with, but I figured it was medieval lit, not advanced evil, how hard could it be? So I skipped intro to evil or whatever, but how is it that I get an F, when this guy that we're reading, Chauncey, can't even spell?

Dollhouse, "Belle Chose"

Ritsin said...

"I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings and she gave me a hint." - Cameron

Kevin said...

"I whited the f*ck out of that sh*t" - Danny Duperstein

"Bazinga" - Sheldon

Anonymous said...

Penny: Is that my arm?

Sheldon: It doesn’t feel like an arm.

Penny: Then maybe you should let it go.

renton said...

"Best wedding I've ever been to. I got six numbers. One more would've been a complete telephone number."

- Kevin, The Office

Eldo Owens said...

I can't remember if Leverage premiered in December or January but my nomination is:

"People like that, corporations like that, they have all the money, they have all the power and they use it to make people like you go away. Right now, you're suffering under an enormous weight. We provide...Leverage.."

Anonymous said...

Lily? Isn't that going to be hard for her to say?

Chris said...

Does your cat make TOO MUCH NOISE? Try Kitten Mittens!

-Sunny

Janey said...

"I came up with the best baby name of all-time: Drizzle" -Finn, GLEE

Jeff B. said...

"These are short conversations, they're not supposed to take.."-Senor Chang
"Your breath away? Well, tough."-Jeff Winger

Toby O'B said...

"Go shit in the ocean." - Mrs. Zimberg, 'Nurse Jackie'
(It sounds much better in Yiddish.)

"Abra Kev Dorfman, you son of a bitch!" - Natalie Teeger, 'Monk'

"I believe you. I don't understand you, but I believe you." Carmen Reyes, 'Lost'

And a late entry, but probably the topper for my year:

"I’m the ass kicking clown that will twist you like a ballon animal. I will beat your head against this bumper until the airbags deploy!" - Fizbo the Clown (Cameron), 'Modern Family'

"I know it's our Christ-given duty to help family, but can't we just kill him?" - Cassie Powers, 'Eastbound & Down'

"I'm going to try to butter that muffin." - Cole Barker, 'Chuck'

Chrissie said...

"I have to go. They'll think I'm pooping." -- Finn

Elle Dee said...

"Three years, no burning buses. Y'all are back for ONE day...."
--Sawyer

David Z said...

Jay: "We do something like this more often if it wasn't for, you know, Manny"

Gloria: "It's good, he keeps us grounded."

Jay: "Yeah, like fog at an airport"

Zac F. said...

"It's like Iwo Jima out there" - classic delivery by the great John Slattery.

Madame George said...

I havwen't seen that many episodes of "Parks and Recreation" but I keep coming back to this one:

""What kind of lunatic would want to be Cleopatra over Eleanor Roosevelt??"- " Leslie, with an expression of utter anazement.

and..

“People are going to stare. They’re not used to seeing one clown in a car.” – Cam , "Modern Family", as

tj cuthbert said...

"Without bosses, we’d be like these worms. Disgusting"

Madame George said...

And another because I didn't see last week's Modern Family until today:

Cameron as "Fizbo, the Auguste clown":

"I'm the ass kicking clown that will twist you like a balloon animal! I will beat your hed against this bumper till the air bags deploy! So apologize to my boyfriend RIGHT NOW!" "

EssPee said...

Classic problem for much of this thread is recency. I belatedly watched all of Rescue Me not two months ago, and damned if I can remember a single line, though there were some good ones amongst the crap.

Having said that, my recent favorite is from Sons of Anarchy

I have some serious fungi.

dez said...

"How would you sit in the Baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it!" - Jay, Modern Family

Rand said...

I wanted so desperately to think of clever quote to cite, but I could not, and so I must comfort myself in failure with the immortal words of Homer Simpson:

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."

Jincy said...

"Is there any chance death could come before the vomiting?"

--Monk

Anonymous said...

cuz maybe, baby, I just want to do you, do you, do you want to do me, do me, underneath the moonlight, moonlight, tonight

Chris Lawrence said...

"Manual drinking fountain (for blacks)."

- Veridian Dynamics

Anonymous said...

"I know that one of us has had their own personal stylist and one of us shoplifts their sh*t from fashion bug, thats what I know." Kenny F***ing Powers

"Work, drugs." Kenny F***ing Powers

vicmackey187 said...

“No. Not now, not ever. Do you hear me!?! I will use every cannon, every bomb, every bullet, every weapon I have down to my own eyeteeth to end you. I SWEAR IT!!! I’M COMING FOR ALL OF YOU!!!!!”

Anonymous said...

the outlaw had mercy-opie

sym said...

"One moment you're on top of the world, the next moment a secretary is running over your foot." - Joan

"I told him if he took the hat off he would die" - Leon

And the entirety of Charlie's kitten mittons speech, Tyra's college application essay, and Party Down's pancake lady anecdote make the list too.

MP said...

"You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole." Frank
--

Dennis: "Dude, do you have a boner right now?!"
Mac: "Shut up, dude, don't ruin this for me."
- as The Nightman (Mac) climbs on top of The Young Boy (Dennis) in the gang's musical "The Nightman Cometh"

LoopyChew said...

So many great Glee quotes in the comments already, and even one from Sue, and I can't believe t his one hasn't been mentioned yet:

"I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then, on some dark cold night, I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face."

Brandon said...

My first favorite Mad Men quote of the year:

"She's taken to your tools like a little lesbian."
--Betty Draper

Paul Outlaw said...

"Pam, those were great pumps."
Eric, True Blood

"New Zealand, that’s where they made Lord of the Rings. I say we just move there, yo, and, I mean, you can do your art. Right? Like, you can paint the local castles and shit, and I can be a bush pilot."
Jesse, Breaking Bad

"Now you're the Michael Corleone of the FDNY?"
"Yeah, I'm Michael!"
"It's more like Fredo."
Janet & Tommy, Rescue Me

"I know our relationship isn't perfect... you cried that one time my elbow rubbed your breast."
Ken, Glee

Sean SoCal said...

"I firmly believe she is a robot sent here from the future to destroy all happiness." - Ron Swanson about his ex-wife.

"That's the most offensive thing I've ever witnessed, and I've seen an elementary school production of Hair." - Sue Sylvester

And now let's throw down some "Lost":

"Because despite your years of loyal service to this island, you got cancer. You had to watch your own daughter killed in front of you, and your reward for these things was that you were banished. And all of this in the name of a man you've never even met. So the question, Benjamin, isn't if you have to kill Jacob; it's why wouldn't you want to?" - John Locke

"You are wrong." - Jacob
"Am I? They come, they fight, they destroy and they corrupt. It always ends the same." - Man in Black
"It only ends once; everything that comes before is just progress." - Jacob again

"Well, it looks like you found your loophole." - Jacob
"Indeed I did. And you have no idea what I've done to get here." - John Locke

Kent said...

"In the name of Zuess! What is this jackassery?" - Community

Otto Man said...

"How was the syntax?"

"Celebrate Rick Sargulesh," Party Down

J-Man said...

"You can't make an empty gesture to a Funkhouser. They'll take you up on it." - Larry David

"Fuck me, fat boy!" - Bam Bam Funkhouser

Anonymous said...

In my experience no good can come from drum music. You follow it and all it leads to is hippies and cults : Sam - True Blood

Cory said...

"Look, it may have been an accident, but your a murderer."
Marty Funkhauser

Will said...

“I assume you’re referring to the fact that I killed you.” –Ben Linus (Lost)

“I was attracted to her, sexually, in a way that is appropriate.” –Dave the cop (P&R)

Greg Pikitis: “Are you crying?”
Andy: “No, I’m allergic to jerks!” (P&R)

Cory said...

Also, from Bored to Death:
Jonathan: "Oh my God, what the hell happened to your lip? You were stung by a bee?"
George: "Yes. A bee with herpes."

THall said...

Ron Swanson:

"That woman really know her way around a penis."

"It was like smoking peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours."

"Well, you've aged horribly."

Dennis Duffy:

"Former sexual partner, I’m sorry my disease made you a victim of my sexual charisma. I’m sorry I ruined you for other men."

"One word: Coffee. One problem: Where do you get it?"

Breaking Bad

Walter: Chili powder? Did I not already tell you how moronic that was?

Jesse: You have a good rest of your life, kid.

Jesse: Seriously, when the going gets tough, you don't want a criminal lawyer. Alright, you want a criminal lawyer. You know what I'm saying?

Jesse: Ooooh, wire.

Anonymous said...

Ian: I thought you had a degree from Columbia.
Jeff: Yes, and now they say I need one from America.

Bia said...

Emma: Ken has a lot of flaws - he has 74 flaws as of yesterday...

Zach said...

"..you took care of all the adoption paperwork? Without you we wouldnt even have a baby to injure." -- Cam

"Emergency Assistance, this is Trina."
"We locked, we locked our baby in the car and people are judging us!!" -- Mitchell

"ILL BREAK THE WINDOOOOOOW! I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GONNA BREAK IIIIT!!!!!! ..DONT WORRY LILY! LILY DADDY'S COMING FOR YOU!!!!" -- Cam flailing across parking lot, waving garbage can over his head

Hyde said...

In addition to all the great ones mentioned already (and I doubt Larry David wearing women's panties can be topped), two others:

"The doctor said he'll never golf again."--Mad Men

"You're right, Bill: I believe I can sense her emotions."--True Blood

George said...

Jeff: Are you staying for the party?

Abed: If I stay there can be no party. I must be out there, in the night, staying vigilant. Wherever a party needs to be saved, I'm there. Wherever there are masks, wherever there is tomfoolery and joy, I'm there. But sometimes I'm not cos I'm out in the night staying vigilant, watching. Lurking, running, jumping, hurdling, sleeping, no, i can't sleep, you sleep, I'm awake. I don't sleep, I don't blink. Am I a bird? No. I'm a bat. I am Batman. Or am I?...Yes, I am Batman. Happy Halloween.

From the Community Halloween episode

"Always Be Closing. Don’t Ever Forget Great Home Ideas. Just Keep Lurking, Mostly Nearby. Often People Question Realtors’ Sincerity. Take Umbrage. Violators Will..."

- The near complete ABCs of being a Realtor by Phil Dunphy

"Then I'll put my mouth on his mouth..."

-Liz Lemon's approach to getting it on with Don Draper

Anonymous said...

"Here comes The Funcooker."- Tracy Jordan

Kevin said...

Jeff: Playing football is in your soul.
Troy: That's racist.
Jeff: Your eyes?
Troy: That's gay.
Jeff: That's homophobic.
Troy: That's black.
Jeff: That's racist.

-Community

Kevin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ACyclcUniverse said...

Kate: 'Jack's got a bomb'

Rose: 'Who cares?'

K: 'Excuse me?'

R: 'It's always something with you people. Now you say 'Jack;s got a bomb'. And what, you guys are all gonna try and stop him right?'

K: 'That's right.'

R: 'We traveled back 30 years in time, and you're still trying to shoot each other?'

Lisa said...

"Yeah, he thinks he deserves a va-jayjay upgrade. He doesn't. He's not Tom Brady. Shut it down."
-Liz Lemon on Vontella

Anonymous said...

MILES: Who cares who they are? We don’t even know when we are. We’re not supposed to get involved, right?

DAN: Doesn’t matter. Whatever happened, happened.

SAWYER: Yeah, thanks anyway, Plato. I’m goin’ over there anyway. You still got my back?

JULIET: Absolutely.

Almost everything I loved about S5 LOST right there: Snarky/practical Miles; broken Daniel philosophizing about time travel; nicknaming man-of-action Sawyer; Sawyer & Juliet

SR said...

There are far funnier lines, but the one I keep quoting and hearing is Liz Lemon's "I want to go to there."

Anonymous said...

"You rang." John Casey

The New No. 2 said...

"I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to - 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road." - Tom Haverford, Parks and Recreation


"I'm gonna take this (expletive) ball and shove it down your (expletive) throat." - Serena Williams via ESPN

"In your professional opinion, why are cats so underused in the film industry?" - Zoey Brakow, Nurse Jackie

"I'ma be da syrup - she can be my waffle." Motherlover, Saturday Night Live

Anonymous said...

"every Friday, me and the wife have stir-fry together. You know what we call it?"

"stir-Fridays?"

"aww, that's actually better"

from the "Archer" pilot

Anonymous said...

The "Burn Notice" subtitles, including: "Murderer, Traitor, Probably Not An Alien" and "УCTУПКИ"

Jesse said...

From "Community":

"Hey, wait a minute. Where's Weezer?" -- Abed's Dad

"Then I can mark you down as definitely being there from 7 sharp 'til upside-down Spanish question mark?" -- Annie

Brian said...

"We can have kids here, they [the racoons] will hunt them for sport" - Ron Swanson

"I've been thinking about your gay boyfriend all day" - Andy

Baylink said...

And can I just take a moment to nominate this -- even though it's homage -- for best blog entry title of the year?

Tom Galloway said...

" I graduated from the University of Aruba. I wanted to be a big fish in a little pond. I played rugby. And I am proud of my years as a Syphilitic Conquistador. That was the team name. They wanted something the locals found frightening" --Phil on Better Off Ted

"It’s 1977, right? So Star Wars just came out. And pretty soon, George Lucas is gonna be looking for a sequel. I’ve seen Empire, like, 200 times, so I figured I’d make life easier and send him the script… with a couple improvements." --Hurley on Lost

And I can't recall it exactly, but the Glee line that went something like "I think they're actually friends; Brittany copies off her math tests" where the her in question has Down's Syndrome.

Pamela Jaye said...

this one?

Kurt:: [about Finn] He's cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows.

Pamela Jaye said...

Cox: For the record, he was the best that ever came through this dump. [J.D. quietly walks behind him] John Dorian was the first and only doctor I ever met who cared as much as I do. And you can forget about him being just an exceptional physician because the fact of the matter is...he's a damn exceptional person. That's why people gravitated to him. That's why I did. He was my friend.

Pamela Jaye said...

JD: You guys psyched? It's our 8th year! Who's with me?

(low key) Yay!

JD: Come on. I know it's tempting to just mail it in but there's still a lot of people who rely on us week to week. I think we owe it to them to be as inspired as we were in our first few years.
Now I know we never do great come medical awards season (except for Dr Shaloub. he win's everything).But I still think we're as good as anybody else out there.

Turk: The Nielsens certainly beg to differ.

(Nielsens shake heads in unison)

JD: Oh, they're just upset cause their insurance won't cover a private room.

(the similar meta at the beginning of season 5 of Grey's was good too.)

Pamela Jaye said...

(thankfully for my fingers, the beginning of Grey's Season 5 was in 2008)

captcha: subarru

dez said...

"I will give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards."

Anonymous said...

"-Can you believe this?!
-I know isn't it great! We all get our own free white guys!

-My white guy sucks!
-Maybe you're not using yours right.
-Yeah, maybe it's on you dude!
-Shut up, Stu.
-I've got the worst black guy..."

Anonymous said...

Oh no, nooo, sweet baby, they're gonna eat you alive in Hollywood! You're definitely gonna end up doing gay porn with this tiny little body of yours. Oh maaan, kiiid! -Dee

gc said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
A Nonny Mouse said...

"Please don't forgive me. Please." Buffy, Dead Things

Anonymous said...

Sepinwall will Destroy Us!!!!!

-- Chuck Panel Intro Video, Comic Con

-Rama

Pamela Jaye said...

to break for a moment, you make me think that it would be pretty cool if there was an evil character (or supervillain (I'm picturing a hulking, lumbering thing without outstretched arms, but that wouldn't fly in Chuck) named Sepinwall, and people are fleeing, screaming "Sepinwall will Destroy Us!!!!!"

that would be funny.

drbristol said...

"Punk ass book jockeys!"

(Tom Haverford, Parks & Recreation)