Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Completely random, non-TV-related post for the day: my almost five-year-old daughter is obsessed with knock-knock jokes (she's laughing right now as she reads the subject line over my shoulder), and I'm running out of good ones that are age-appropriate in terms of both taste and her ability to understand them. You people seem both smart and funny (and occasionally juvenile like me), so I figured I'd ask for suggestions. Knock away.
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Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
The interrupting cow.
The interr--
MOOO!!!!
Dan took my favorite! Here's my second favorite:
(Joker asks the joke-ee to wave her hand around her head in a circular motion, like a lasso.)
Knock, Knock.
Who's there.
Ya.
Ya ... who?
Knock knock.
Who's There?
Sam and Janet.
Sam and Janet Who?
Sam and Janet Eeeveningggg
This was one of our favorites:
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Statue.
Statue who?
Statue or someone else?
My daughter wrote her own at a similar age:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Potato.
Potato who?
Orange you glad I not say Oink Oink?
(genius)
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Completely Random
Completely Random who?
FISH!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Duane
Duane who?
Duane the bathtub, I'm duowning.
This must be an age thing, my son was also obsessed with these at 5.
It just took me two minutes to figure out JustJoan's.
Look for me on "Are You Smarter Than a Five-Year-Old?" on ABC this fall.
Another one for your inner Idol:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Shelby.
Shelby who?
Shelby comin' round the mountain when she comes...
It's kind of a post modern knock knock joke but always fun:
"I've got a really great knock-knock joke for you"
"okay"
"You start"
"Knock-knock"
"who's there?"
blank stares all around
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in it's cold out here!
Okay, I'm obviously not smarter than a five year old, because I still can't figure out JustJoan's.
I typically really enjoy reading this blog. There is some great analysis of a wide range of television shows, both from Alan and from the people who leave comments. And I almost always feel like I learn something or have something that I missed pointed out to me.
Having said that, this might be my favorite post that I've ever read on here.
(Oh - And Dan stole the only knock-knock joke I use.)
It's a little bit of a riff on the Interrupting Cow.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Contr-
Now YOU say "Control freak who?"!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
I wuntap.
I wuntap who?
Well you'd better get to the bathroom quicky!
* You need to say "wuntup" quickly.
PS. I don't get JustJoan's either.
For those confused by JustJoan's : "Some Enchanted Evening" is a song, apparently from the musical South Pacific, though I think most people are more familiar with the Perry Como or Frank Sinatra versions.
JustJoan's joke is a reference to "Some Enchanted Evening" from "South Pacific." It's an oldie but a goodie, but also not one that a kindergartener in 2008 is likely to get, alas.
Bobman, Jinx!
Just Joan's is one of my favorites - it's "Some Enchanted Evening," for those of you who aren't hearing it right in your heads.
Cinette posted my go-to joke. I'll think of another eventually...
I'm a particular fan of the "interrupting starfish" variation on the perennial favorite.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting starfish.
Interrupting star[joker puts hand, fingers extended, into jokee's face. Gently, of course.]
How could we forget the one from Ted Baxter?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Anna Maria Alberghetti
Anna Maria Alberghetti who?
(singing) Anna Maria Alberghetti in a taxi honey...
knock knock
who's there?
andy green
andy green who?
[singing] andy green grass grows all around, all around, andy green grass grows all around.
knock knock
who's there
tank
tank who?
you're welcome!
(these are a couple of five-year-old Cosmo Girl's favorites)
After weeks of the 3 yr old setting me up with several variations of this:
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Strawberry. (Or anything, really.)
Strawberry who?
Yes, I am happy!
he came at me with this one:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
and he ran off cackling. I didn't even think about it until I said it, and realized I'd been set up by a 3 yr old.
We get a lot of mileage out of the interrupting cow and Sam and Janet. I'm in theatre, they're required to get the reference by law. Here's one our artistic director tried on the boys:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Toby.
Toby who?
Toby or not to be!
The 3 yr old laughed, the 6 yr old said, "that's an old one."
The 6 yr old's favorite right now:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Water.
Water who?
Water you asking me for?
When he gets back from school, I'll see if he's got any more up his sleeve.
Not a knock-knock joke, but a fun variation on the "I'm a little teapot" song.
"I'm a little teapot, short and stout"
"Here is my handle" (put right hand on hip)
"Here is my -" (put left hand on hip)
(Look down at hands)
"Oh no! I'm a sugar bowl!"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Adolf.
Adolf who?
Adolf ball hit me in da mouf.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Rielle.
Rielle who?
You must get all your information from newspapers and TV!
(Expired 8/8/08)
Here's one I forgot to send ya last night:
Knock knock.
Who's There?
Little Old Lady.
Little Old Lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.
I like your Orange line :-)
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
--Phillip Glass.
(for the more musically sophisticated youth....)
Here are a few one or two knock knocks the other are just kid jokes.
1:
Q. Will you still remember me in an hour?
A. Yes
Q. Will you still remember me tomorrow?
A. Yes
Q. Will you still remember me in a week?
A. Yes
Knock Knock?
Who's There?
Forgot me all ready?
2.Knock Knock....Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne Wayne go away!!!!!
Not a knock knock joke but kids love it:
Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogie in it.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Aww, don't cry!
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Mop.
Mop who?
(insert laughing, pointing, and "you just said my poo!" here)
I've never been good with knock-knock jokes, but when she gets to lightbulb jokes give me a call. My brother once had a collection of 150 or so of them that I memorized when I was about 10. I can still remember a disturbingly large portion of them.
My son was obsessed with knock knock jokes too -- we have some youtube of him butchering them. Favorite:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby Birthday!
Works exceptionally well if one of the participants is named Abby, is having a birthday, or is both.
Interrupting cow used to be my favorite of all, until I heard (saw) this one.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Evil German Interrogator.
Evil German Interro...
*Slaps the questioner in the face* I vill ask ze questions here!
Not particularly appropriate for a 5-year-old, but I have a feeling that if you make it "The Crazy Tickler" or something it would go over well.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Just fine, thanks. How are you?
dan you got that one from Half Nelson didnt you?
There's a song from the musical Flora the Red Menace, by the guys who later did Cabaret and Chicago, that consists entirely of knock-knock jokes. I can't remember all of it but some examples:
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Iva!
Iva who?
I've a feeling you're as good as gold.
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Norma!
Norma who?
Normally I wouldn't be so bold.
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Justin!
Justin who?
Just in case it's love you're lookin' for,
Wherever you are, I'll stay,
Pining away,
Forever knock-knock-knocking at your door.
And as an encore:
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Picasso!
Picasso who?
Picasso you there's stardust in my eyes.
This definetly isn't appropriate for your daughter, i'll bleep it. When I got promoted at my old job, the tradition was to get up in front of the office and tell a joke. I'm told I got the most laughter in our offices history with this one, luckily I had seen Catch Me If You Can a couple of nights before...
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Go F**k yourself! (followed by me walking away, and shocked laughter)
I'm laughing out loud at my desk right now - I completely forgot about the Catch Me if you Can knock knock joke. Classic!
And I love the Evil German Interrogator one as well!
Sorry, that's all I have to add to this topic. Carry on....
thinking along the lines of a five-year old, these ones are a sure thing (if not already in her repertoire).
knock, knock
who's there?
oswald
oswald who?
oswald my gum!
dwayne
dwayne who?
dwayne the bathtub I'm dwowning
leena
leena who?
leena little closer and I will tell you!
anita
anita who?
anita ride to school
dewey
dewey who?
dewey have to listen to all this knocking!
norma lee
norma lee who?
norma lee I ring the doorbell!
I've never been good with knock-knock jokes, but when she gets to lightbulb jokes give me a call. My brother once had a collection of 150 or so of them that I memorized when I was about 10. I can still remember a disturbingly large portion of them.
That sounds like me and "A man walks into a bar" jokes. A friend and I had a contest once to see who could remember the most "A man" jokes and I won handily :-)
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Dwayne
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub. I'm dwowning!
(My kids loved this one when they were little). The interrupting cow one is their all-time favorite
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Nobody (Walk away).
Nobody who?
(Silence because you walked away).
What. Nothin'?
My 3 year old cousin told this one a half dozen times at Thanksgiving last year:
Knock Knock
Who's th--
BAH! (or some other impossibly loud scream)
It's sort of like interrupting cow but without any set up. He found it hilarious.
Be sure to track down a copy of the song "Knock-Knock" by Spike Jones and City Slicker Orchestra. The lyrics are all knock jokes. I loved that song as a kid.
Lyrics here:
http://artists.letssingit.com/spike-jones-lyrics-knock-knock-whos-there-9rq9cv1
Like Grunt, I'm more of a lightbulb joke person myself. Here's one with three possible answers:
Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None, we just define "dark" as the new standard.
A2: That's a hardware problem, not a software problem.
A3: The lightbulb doesn't change in V.1, but in V.2 we'll have a new light that doesn't need changing.
Q: How many tech support reps does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The light's working fine here. I don't know what your problem is.
OK, I'll stop now.
The lightbulb tangent reminds me of:
Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Fish bicycle.
Knock,knock.
Who's there?
Who.
Who who?
Oh my gosh there's an owl in the room!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ha.
Ha who?
"gazoontite" / "God Bless You!" / "Don't sneeze on me!"
Knock knock.
Who's There
Megan
Megan who?
Megan end to these knock-knock jokes before I knock-knock you!
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Attention Deficit Disorder
Attention Defi--
Let's ride bikes!
My 9 year old nephews were obsessed with knock knock jokes a few years ago, even though they didn't quite understand the formula. A few months ago I found out that they had graduated to "Yo momma so ______" jokes and a little piece of me died...
Brace yourselves- this one is by far the champ-
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Barry.
Barry who?
Dead People!
...You're welcome.
As a sequel to the interrupting cow joke (and it obviously has to be told right after):
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting giraffe.
Interr-
[and then you just open your mouth but don't make any sound.]
Thank you, I'll be here all week.
Alan, I strongly suggest you make this a weekly thing. Pick a new joke type each time. We can do lightbulb, walking into a bar, lawyers, and we can then close it out with dirty.
Stolen from Shari Lewis and Lambchop:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Da scissors.
Da scissors who?
Da scissors song that doesn't end,
yes it goes on and on my friend,
some people started singing it not knowing what it was
and they'll continue singing it forever just because
this is the song that doesn't end ... :-)
Not to miss the point of your post Alan, but... your five year old can read "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?" over your shoulder? Impressive.
"Control Freak" is my new favorite!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Chris and Snoop.
Eep.
You've got your kids into 'The Wire', right?
What does a fish say when it swims into a wall?
Damn.
The lightbulb tangent reminds me of:
Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Fish bicycle.
But you didn't finish the joke!
The full joke is:
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fish bicycle.
(beat)
A: Well, if you don't get it, I guess it's just not your cup of fur.
Seriously Alan, please do light bulb jokes next! I have all these jokes in my head and no place to use them because I am no longer 10.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
John.
John who?
John the Baptist!
(at this point you flick some droplets from your wet fingers into the face of the questioner.
Oh, and don't forget the joke shows from Prairie Home Companion. They do a series of those knock-knock songs, plus a lot of other ones that are great for any ages. They do a joke show every year, too, so there's fresh material (or old material you haven't heard in a while). Here's one of Keillor's favorites:
Two penguins are standing on an ice floe. The first penguin says, you look like you're wearing a tuxedo. The second penguin says, what makes you think I'm not?
Ken Jennings' son is around the same age; you might ask him... :-)
(or just stick around for the "baffling conversations with a x-year-old"
I can't think of any good knock-knock jokes right now, but I'm going away with my 10-year-old neice for the weekend - so - thank you for the help...
by far my favorite light bulb jokes are "How many theatre people does it take to change a light bulb?"
My favorite:
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
Lamp! It's called a LAMP, you moron!
Full list here: http://tixchik.livejournal.com/
or here for more theatre humor:
http://tinyurl.com/6m5op4
Okay, let's save all the lightbulb jokes for next week.
Darn! Now I have to wait...
When I was a kid my favorite was the following series of knock-knock jokes:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ether.
Ether who?
Ether Bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna 'nother Ether Bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Yetta.
Yetta who?
Yetta 'nother Ether Bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Cargo beep beep and run over all the Ether Bunnies.
I loved the Ether bunnies too. We also had "Maureeth" (like "Maurice" with a lisp) ... "More Ether bunny!"
With the Easter Bunny jokes, we also followed the "cargo" one with:
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry--the Easter bunny will be back next year!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
(whiny voice) You said you'd never forget!
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